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pokey
esca
fulawar
wami
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Okay
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If that's how we're going to be, this is how it will work.
I will no longer apologize for running late for dinner if it's because of work. If you can't wait 15 more minutes to eat when I'm dealing with a crisis at the hospital then go ahead and eat without me. I'll meet you for drinks and sex.
I will no longer change my plans to accomodate your schedule.
I am not sleeping over at your place until late June when the oppressive heat will leave me no choice but to take advantage of your central air.
I won't fake orgasms just to make you feel better.
I won't hold your hand when we walk no matter how much you like the looks we get.
You will pay for all of my meals.
You will eat me out once a week. I will give you head when I feel like it.
No anal sex. Ever.
You will not leave your razor, toothbrush, or deodorant at my place. You can carry it with you in my gym bag. You can shower at the gym, too.
You are to accompany me to every event we have been invited to this summer.
I will not ask you to join me when I go out to meet my friends.
I will not join you when you ask me to meet your friends unless I think I could potentially meet someone else there.
I am allowed to date other people.
i loveyou on Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 10:15 p.m. † back to top
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Can't Sleep
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I suddenly get this sinking feeling they won't approve my request to take time off this holiday. By "they" I mean my job. The job that I am beginning to hate more and more with each passing day.
For the most part I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't know, I'd say I'm pretty optimistic. Sometime in my first year of working I realized that everything is shit, I hate everything, and everything hates me. I'm the youngest person in my department and I'd say I worked pretty damn hard last year. I was near tears almost every day at work because I was so overwhelmed. And people would sympathize and my tears would make them feel uncomfortable and then they'd hold a bunch of meetings about different processes. What a load of bullshit. It never got better. It only got worse and I now I feel like waking up to go to work every morning is as bad as having a never ending serrated knife pulled out of my gut ever so slowly – millimeter by torturous millimeter. So I’m being dramatic. That was a little overkill. There are parts of my job. I adore my kids, even teenage boys who never listen to me and somehow manage to find me on MySpace. -_-;;
There are other parts of my job that I like, too, though they’re hard to remember right now at 2:13 am.
Sometimes, like today, I sit at work answering a million questions, being pulled in 50 different ways and feel like I’m going to explode. At least give me some respect if you’re planning to work me like a dog. Christ. And because I’m feeling increasingly unhappy, I’m starting to feel more and more resentful towards everybody. I hate that I can never use children as an excuse to leave work on time for once. I resent that other people stay home to watch their sick kids and leave me with a bunch of bullshit to do. I probably resent it because my parents never got to stay home with me while I was sick. I’m starting to resent my friends and I’m starting to feel depressed.
Someone once told me that I shouldn’t be so full of myself and think that the clinic really can’t run without me because if I weren’t there someone else would do it. Not necessarily so in my case. When I’m on vacation, they call me. When I call in sick, they call me. And always to ask me stupid questions like does so and so have a PET scan that day. Seriously. Or who’s going to take the patient where they have to go. Or the patient’s here but the attending’s in the OR, what do they do. QWREOPTQU3685’q3846t
When I’m mad I like to type random keys on my keyboard.
I think I need to see a therapist.
i loveyou on Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 02:01 a.m. † back to top
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Now I Know
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I know why I always cram at the last minute rather than studying ahead of time.
Whenever I study ahead of time it's usually for an exceptionally difficult subject (for me) say, quantum mechanics and/or anything chemistry/physics related, I give myself ample amounts of time to read the material, do the problem sets, study, go to all the review sessions, etc. but come the night before the exam I feel equally as fucked as on a night I'm cramming for an exam in a relatively easier subject (for me). At least if I cram for an exam and do poorly, I can blame it on my lack of studying. If I've studied my ass off and still do poorly on an exam it just makes me feel stupid. -_-;;
I guess that means I'll have to marry rich.
One of my older coworkers told me I didn't take the class in college that teaches women how to find husbands. -_-;; I think I did take the course, I just didn't take the second semester of it that teaches you how to keep them. I had plenty of wonderful boyfriends in college that I could actually see a future with - one in particular. A certain blonde boy and I had a wonderful time. I met his family. My family fell head over heels in love with him when he called during the holidays all the way from *gasp* Africa where he later served time in the Peace Corp. He was handsome, intelligent, had a wonderful sense of humor, and, well, filthy rich.
It's not that I *couldn't* keep him. I really chose not to, regardless of what people think. I had been in an awful relationship with a crazy, crazy man. When Blondie left I felt that I was young and didn't need to wait around for some white boy to fulfill his rich, white boy obligation to the world by joining the Peace Corp only to return to the States and get into Harvard Law where everyone in his family has attended since his great, great, great, great... great, great, great grandpappy. If we were meant to be, we were meant to be. I had two more years of college left when Blondie graduated and I had a lot of fun dating and even got seriously involved with someone else, who was also filthy rich though through his own means rather than through his trust fund. Up until Blondie I had pretty much been completely in love with Crazy - the one who cheated on me but, by the way, still calls me drunk to tell me he doesn't want to marry his girlfriend even though he already asked her and who also happens to be the crazy bitch he was with before me.
Lately guys kind of disgust me. Even the thought of sex kind of creeps me out. Who I think about while I masturbate is beyond me. Actually, I think it's usually Won Bin. Okay, so fine. Won Bin and Daniel Henney don't disgust me, but when I imagine them naked their private parts are blurred and it's more about what I'm feeling rather than what I'm seeing.
I guess I can't count on marrying rich, or even getting married for that matter.
Studying it is...
i loveyou on Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 11:19 p.m. † back to top
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*head to desk*
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Why? Oh, why didn't I study for my exam over the weekend?
I'll tell you why, kids. Because that would have been the smart thing to do. And do I ever do the smart thing to do? No, of course not. I'd rather cram last minute and hope to God that things end well. That's what got me into this mess in the first place. I thought I was moving on but moving on entails more than doing some reading and actually doing practice problems the night before.
*le sigh* When will I ever learn?
I can't skip out on work the next two days to study/sleep, either. Phooey. We have a new histiocytosis kid, one - possibly two - new leukemics, and a new Hodgkin's kid. I pray, pray, pray that the HD kid had his scans done in house so I don't have to schedule them now. I think I am breaking the PET center camel's back as we speak. See? I knew I jinxed myself when I wrote that I thought the wave of new patients was coming to end. I KNEW IT. I knew superstitious nurses were right and I should have just pushed back all hopeful thoughts of an end behind cluttery thoughts of Korean pop stars and resentment towards my brother.
Speaking of Korean pop stars, Ryu Shiwon's father passed away recently and Jinu from Jinusean showed up to the funeral in jeans and a white T-shirt. The sight actually disgusted me so much I closed the window and studied instead. I don't know if Jinu and his wife were driving around and spontaneously decided to stop by for the ceremonies but he should have at least had the decency to show up in something other than jeans. And I think he was wearing sneakers, too. Sneakers!
I was on the phone with my mother last night as I was walking home from the subway and when she heard me say, "Thank you" and "Have a good night" to my doorman, she told me I shouldn't be too nice to people. She said people will moo-shi-hae me if I do that. -shrug- I'm not really a nice person. I'm competitive, I'm deceitful when I want to be, I'm stubborn, etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing gratitude to the doorman that opens the door for me when it looks like I'm struggling to find my keys. She said it was my tone. Anyway, she made me repeat 3 times over that I wouldn't be too nice to people. And then she said, "I love you. Eat something. Here's your father."
I have another exam next week. I think I will actually study this weekend for this one. Well, I don't have a choice if I don't want to fail since quantum mechanics is entirely over my head. I hope quantum mechanics and I can become good friends like I have become with cellular respiration. I remember thinking O_o when I first read about it in high school and now I can still rattle off all the steps of glycolysis and the Kreb's cycle. What good that does me, I don't really know.
It's weird going from really smart to kind of dumb. I don't like it.
i loveyou on Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 02:41 a.m. † back to top
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I hate chemistry
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I hate atoms. I don't care if the atom is the smallest particle characterizing an element. I don't care if everything is made of atoms. I am more than happy not knowing of anything smaller than a macromolecule. Hell, I'll even study small molecules. Why do I have to know about atoms? With all their electron clouds and nonsense...
*sigh*
I have a quiz on quantum mechanics tomorrow and what I studied in gen chem several years ago had little to do with quantum mechanics. I like the "this is how it is and that's that" approach. There's a reason why people groan when they hear about quantum. Reason, I tell you.
I think the recent wave of new patients at clinic has finally come to an end. No, I take that back. If I say it tomorrow there'll be 3 more new kids and then I'll have to argue with the PET people again. -grumbles- I don't want to get much older than my happy age of 23 but I hate that people look down on me because I'm the youngest person in my position at work. It sucks. People take me seriously until they've met me face to face and see how young I am. There are also a lot of older people who make careers out of the job I have now and I think it makes them resentful when they see me in a position that they really hard to work their way up to. The job I have now was a position I applied to on whim and got almost immediately after the first interview.
I really want to go to med school but I know I won't be accepted as am. I have to work my way and make up for all those lost college years and it sucks because I don't know a lot but I learn quickly from experience. It kills me when attendings ask residents questions during rounds and I know the answer. It's hard not to chime in and have to keep my mouth shut. Usually I have to draw little squigglies on the margins of my papers to distract my attention.
I ran into a cardiology fellow I dated briefly during the summer and now I know why relationships with people you work with don't, well, work. It was awkward and I felt kind of awful when he was being so nice to me today... especially since my main reason for breaking it off was because I thought he breathed too loud - I didn't tell him that, though. I don't care what people say, it's annoying and distracting when you're trying to have a serious conversation and the other person is breathing loud. I was once on the verge of tears from stress at work and there he was wheezing and mouth-breathing. Yuck.
i loveyou on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 at 11:18 p.m. † back to top
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Huh...
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It's been so long since I've last written here. I guess it's kind of silly to consider this a private blog anymore but maybe it's been long enough that people have forgotten about it? I mean, it has been almost a year since I've even logged onto this thing. Then again, people have scary stalkerish tendencies. I would know, I can be a pretty scary stalker myself. -_-;;
I e-mailed Esca for the first time in a loooong time. And she wrote back. And I wrote to her. And she wrote to me. And then I didn't write back. I read her e-mail and was going to but then a patient came in septic and somehow that was my fault. Anything and everything that goes wrong at the clinic is my fault. I think it's because I'm the youngest one there. -_-;; Whenever I cover someone else at work a patient comes in septic and we're all a very superstitious bunch. It makes sense to me that that should mean I shouldn't have to do someone else's job on top of my own but apparently it doesn't make sense to anyone else in my department. So I continue to cover for other people who call out sick every other day. And so kids continue to come in septic. Thankfully I know what a kid looks like when he/she is septic now so I can identify it right away.
For those of you who are not in the know, I graduated from school in the spring of 2006. I have been working in peds onc for the last year and half and am planning to apply to medical school within the next year or so. I'm taking classes because I have to hold off paying my student loans since the monthly payments are so astronomical. I think they're literally about 2/3 of my pay check. And about 1/3 of my pay goes to taxes. Lord. I'm kind of regretfull of all those years I was so depressed because it took so much of my life and was so awful and prevented me, in one way or another, from being a fully functioning persom. I can't do anything about it now and I'm trying to move forward instead. I hope it works out for the best.
I've been looking at my exam schedule for this semester and it seems so ridiculous. My last exam was two weeks ago, of which I had another one the week before that. I have an exam next Thursday, one the following Thursday and then another one the following Wednesday. It just never fucking ends. And then I have two exams in the same week, one day after the other shortly after that. Mnrah.
Working full time and going to school seems nearly impossible but I'm hoping that being able to pull off good grades while holding down a job will have med schools looking in my favor. It's hard to live on your own and be a grown up. I don't understand why I wanted to be one so badly when I was in high school. Being an adult sucks. Relationships suck. And you have to interact with people you don't want to even though you despise them so much you can't even keep a straight face when talking to them. I've been handling things pretty well, though, I must say. And I've been a pretty responsible adult. I pay my bills on time, plug in my hours at work, sometimes come back after class to get more things done, study, do my reading on time, etc. I'm feeling kind of proud of myself for the first time in a long time.
Last Thursday I came home from school at my usual time - around 1 in the morning - and I guess I was so exhausted that I couldn't even eat or drink. It took all my strength to bathe and brush my teeth and when I finally got into bed I started to cry hysterically. I was actually sobbing and probably making the ugliest sad face, though I couldn't actually see my reflection because the lights were out. Earlier that day I had found out one of my 5 year old leukemics had a colostomy after complications from neutropenic enterocolitis. I had gone to visit him on the surgery floor and he looked so sick. I don't know why I adore him so much when he's an absolute brat. When he's in a good mood he showers me with kisses but if he's cross about the smallest thing he crosses his arms and makes faces at me. But I love him and I love his family, despite always feeling like I could never convey that to them since they speak Spanish and I, quite honestly, butcher Spanish in the most horrific way. He's a relapse patient and he's such an old soul in the little body of his... It just made me so incredibly sad. I hadn't cried for a patient since my refractory Burkitt's kid died.
To be honest, I haven't cried a lot since graduating from college and it's still kind of catches me by surprise because I used to be such a cry baby back in the day. After crying for my patient I didn't fall into pits of despair. I just... went to work the next day where I got yelled at by two radiation oncologists, an administrator from the PET center, and had to sit silently in near terror in the room while my department head screamed at a coordinator in surgery on speaker phone. Life moves on. Everyone says it but this is the first time it's happening to me. My life is moving on.
i loveyou on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 12:06 a.m. † back to top
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google
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